


Emotional Attachment

by Stabtime



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Haruka is hoes sad, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Literal Sleeping Together, Love Confessions, M/M, OOC now considering current canon but stfu it’s my story I do what I want, Ok some beta now I’m only kind of dying, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Tadaomi doesn't understand emotions, anyways tadaharu rights, falling it love, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26604646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stabtime/pseuds/Stabtime
Summary: Haruka has been struggling for a long time and he's used to no one noticing. He likes when no one bothers him and to open up about emotional bullshit would include a lot of bothering him. He likes it until someone actually notices, and cares. Tadaomi wants to understand him more.Tadaomi wants to learn more about emotions and his fellow band mate, and he's getting so many answers! He never hears Haruka talk and he grows more and more invested in what he has to say.They both find comfort in each other. So why do they feel guilty? And why can't they stop thinking of eachother?-ah to actually post fanfic because the world is lacking in TadaHaru content and you're dying
Relationships: Kanata Nijo & Haruka Nijo, Kurama Tadaomi & Nijo Haruka, Kurama Tadaomi/Nijo Haruka
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	1. stress is bad for the baby

There was always strain before any rehearsal of Epsilon Phi, whether it be Nijo twins quarreling or Shu annoying Reiji, there was always something. Usually upon starting to play the tension would solve itself and they would focus on whatever song they were playing. Today was different for Haruka, maybe because it had been a long day or because Kanata had been especially obnoxious during the walk home from school. Kanata either didn’t pick up on whatever bad mood Haruka was in or he simply didn’t care because his usual annoying banter seemed to be more prevalent today.

Kanata was now chatting with Shu though, Haruka was left with some amount of solace as he set up his guitar to prepare for their practice session. He didn’t want to be there, honestly he just wanted to go through his usual routine of staring at the ceiling, listening to bad music, and drowning in his own self pity. The others seemed to be having a slightly ok day though so he shut his mouth before any comment on how pointless this was came to fruition. As they all gathered to start to play, there was little chatter and everyone seemed to settle into the usual practice mindset. Everyone except Haruka really.

Haruka wasn’t stupid. He was no stranger to stress and he knew no one really was. For as long as he could remember it was very difficult for him to be happy or productive without his negative thoughts coming in eventually. Kanata called it his “case of the sads” and while it was a mocking name it wasn’t wrong in the slightest. Today was a typical “sads” day, school was exhausting, his brother was exhausting, this goddamn song was exhausting. He knew how to deal with these days but they never became anything positive. He knew he would be distant this practice session which wasn’t abnormal at all, but he was so far drifted into his own head he was lost. He forgot all his ques, he stumbled on words, no one seemed to notice that much so he was ok with this. 

Through the middle of their session his mind was spiraling still but in the middle of their song his fingers just locked on his guitar and he managed to lose any momentum he had, causing the song to fall apart. 

He felt the other’s eyes burn onto his skin, they all messed up but it was rare they messed up that much. Kanata snickered on the other side of the room.

“Haru-chan I know you’re bad but at least you could not ruin the entire song” The cheeky 13 year old voice of Shu commented.

It vaguely hurt but it was a fact of being in the same area of Shu that you would be subjected to whatever bullshit he put you through. Haruka wasn’t interested in dealing with any of this at this point so he did what he was best at and pretended it didn’t happen. He looked up at his fellow bandmates, Reiji seemed uninterested in the situation, Kanata was using his most punchable face, and then there was Tadaomi, who had his usual blank expression and non descript smile.   
Haruka muttered a quick “geez sorry” and they resumed. This was all a normal event, Haruka had accepted he was a fuck up a long time ago so he snapped himself back into concentrating and moved on. He looked up mid song later in their session though to see Tadaomi’s soft expression still looking at him. He quickly averted eye contact, it was odd that Tadaomi was staring at him but at least he wasn’t expected to maintain it.

–––

Rehearsal blurred past after that, instant ramen was consumed as to not interact with the others in the kitchen, Haruka found himself staring into the ceiling and listening to bad music as planned. His ceiling fan was whirring loudly and the sharehouse seemed to become more peaceful eventually. 

That was until a soft, dainty knock came from his door. Haruka groaned, this usually meant Kanata was here to mess with him but this knock was far too gentle to be from his bastard brother. So he wandered to open it and there he was. Tadaomi with his smile softly crinkling up and his wide eyes. This genuinely confused Haruka because he barely talked to his band mates besides his brother outside of their practice sessions or backstage time. He wondered if he had upset Tadaomi? Had he done something wrong? Surely he had as he never bothered him before this.

But as he braced himself for some crude word he was met with “Are you alright Haruka-san? You seemed upset, I’m not sure what happened today but if you would like to talk I have a few questions. For research of course.”

This was an unprecedented statement for Haruka. Most people feigned interest in his life, Kanata was aware of his issues but he didn’t seem to care. So at this point he panicked, he wanted to shut the door and hide, he wanted to yell that it was none of his business, he wanted to ask what the hell he actually wanted, but those kind eyes just kept staring down at him. 

Going against every cell in his body he stumbled through something like “fine” or “ come in” he wasn’t sure. So here he was, Tadaomi now sitting on the opposite side of his bed.

Tadaomi started with simple questions. Stuff like “Did something happen today to make you upset?” or “Has this happened before?”. He wasn’t unlike a doctor or scientist examining a specimen. Haruka gave short half baked answers for most of the little session, but he felt something rising in him, he felt like all his stupid emotional gunk was going to explode out of him and onto himself and Tadaomi. He didn’t know how to answer a lot of questions, no one really ever cared about what he ate for lunch or what his brother said to him.

Finally a question came that he didn’t expect. A curveball.

“Are you happy?”

Normally Haruka would’ve said some stupid non-answer to this question, he would’ve told him that his emotions we’re none of his business. Today though, he started to cry. Not the kind of crying that was a few tears but an actual sob. Haruka didn’t know the last time he had cried like this, maybe when he was a kid or before he hated Kanata or maybe he didn’t remember. It might have been because it was late but instead of getting angry or hiding the words came and they didn’t stop. He talked about his family, about how Kanata used to understand him, how he felt he had failed all of them, how no matter how he tried he was never good enough.Tadaomi sat there quietly, his soft smile now in a much more neutral face. Haruka knew he didn’t get it, he barely knew him, but he still sat there. Tadaomi reached over to pat his shoulder every now and then, muttering something resembling “there, there.” 

After what felt like an eternity, Haruka stopped crying, he felt ridiculous but he looked up at those soft eyes.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you” said Tadaomi in a hushed tone. “I only wished to understand at least what was going on”

Haruka looked away. He didn’t dare tell Tadaomi how much he appreciated that he listened but his heart lifted a little when Tadaomi said.

“I want to know more about you, not just your sadness. Let’s do this again tomorrow.”


	2. Ain't Never had a friend, Never had a Friend

Tadaomi tries his best. He plays his keyboard as best he can, he asks questions, he stays out of conflict. Still though, there’s so much he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand why his bandmates fight, why he is obligated to do certain things, why he had to sleep at night. The world was a mystery to him in a sense, he did his best as usual to understand.

But by the time he was talking to Haruka, he was entirely lost. He knew crying was a show of pain, not that he cried but he had observed this. Haruka always seemed so put together, that he knew what he was doing. So why would he hide all the things he was telling him about now. It didn’t seem logical. By the time their talk ended Tadaomi found himself with more questions than answers.

So he returned, every night now after obligations were met they would sit in Haruka’s dark room and he would ask questions. Certain ones Haruka wouldn’t answer, certain ones Haruka would look away and grunt at but this situation gave Tadaomi more answers he could ever dream of. He felt a little stupid for not asking before. Now he knew so many more new things, Haruka’s favourite ice cream was strawberry and he liked eating it because it was sweet and cold. He didn’t like being compared to his brother. He liked trashy television and angry music. Later on in times that they talked, Haruka started to show him the things he talked of, he showed him Tokusastu heroes which was an experience Tadaomi had never seen value in. He would watch Haruka’s eyes light up at the action of it all, and everything felt surprisingly right.

Soon they started being together outside of Haruka’s room. Despite the unwritten rule that no one talked outside of practice they would eat dinner together, they would sit out on the roof at night and chat. This was foreign to Tadaomi and he could tell Haruka wasn’t exactly sure what to do either. 

One night after Tadaomi had finished asking questions about Haruka’s thoughts on how everyone died (which was something he considered a normal thing) Haruka told him bluntly.

“I’ve never really had anyone to talk to before.”

Tadaomi thought to himself that this was untrue, he had a brother that even if he annoyed him, Kanata still talked to him. This was no different than any relation with other bandmates, it didn’t matter that it was Tadaomi. He did feel a little pride that Haruka talked to him when he didn’t to others though, not many people wanted to talk to him.

Tadaomi smiled at him and simply said 

“We’re bandmates. We are in close proximity which makes us highly eligible for basic interaction.”

This made sense to him, he was sure the other band members enjoyed his company just as much as he did, this was what all humans did of course. Humans were social animals after all. 

But Haruka looked at him a little weird though. Tadaomi giggled softly and commented on how this was normal for everyone. Haruka opened his mouth to speak and then shut it. His eyes crinkled a little. Tadaomi had started to understand this meant he had said something wrong, but how? His relations to Haruka were scientific, logical, and certainly not anything abnormal. He was sure he could talk to anyone the way he talked to Haruka.

Haruka once again opened his mouth again. This time very quiet words slipped out. 

“Tadaomi we’re friends right? That’s what this is right?”

–––

Later that night in his own room. Which had barren walls, Haruka told him it looked like a prison room, Tadaomi didn’t know what prisons looked like so he could not confirm this. He pondered whatever friendship meant. He knew certain things, he knew people in his school were friends, he knew friends appreciated each other. He knew friends cared about each other. He wasn’t sure what it meant to care about someone, so he thought about people he knew cared about each other. 

His research on humans wasn’t just with Haruka, he asked babies in strollers why they were crying when he would walk to and from school (they didn’t ever answer.) He asked his instructors why they were frustrated when others in his class did not pay attention. He asked Shu why he was so insistent on derailing any plan made. He asked anyone about anything. Of course he had never come as far as he had with Haruka, no one had ever shown him television before or told him why something was annoying or not.

In one case he remembered a girl crying in the hallway at his school. He had approached her, his first question being “Why are you on the floor?” which garnered a glare from the girl. Later though he got some answers to why he was crying. Her boyfriend had broken up with her, she was crying because she didn’t want to lose him. Through context of the words she said he assumed a boyfriend meant someone’s friend who was a boy! That made perfect sense. At the time he didn’t understand why someone would be sad because someone left, it wasn’t like he died or something (he had already asked that question). 

Upon remembering this occurrence he decided that Haruka was his boyfriend and therefore his friend because he thought he would be sad if he left. He knew he enjoyed getting answers, and he knew that if Haruka was gone he wouldn’t have ever learned what Tokusastu heroes was, or how Kanata was mean sometimes or how Haruka looked when he smiled. He really enjoyed his smile, he had never enjoyed someone’s face before but for some reason he enjoyed his face when Haruka smiled.

–––

When he told Haruka the evening after thinking it through that they were friends who were boys, therefore boyfriends, Haruka’s face turned red and he looked away. Tadaomi sat still looking at him but by the time Haruka looked back at him he could tell that he was now frowning. Tadaomi’s brain did what it did in any moment of panic, it fired questions off at extreme speeds. Why was he frowning? Is being boyfriends a bad thing? Did Haruka not want to be his friend? 

“Did I say something wrong?” was the first thing he asked

Haruka looked at him in a way that made his chest hurt, maybe he was having adolescent heart problems. 

“We’re just friends, Tadaomi” Haruka told him.

“But we are also boys! By basic etymology I have deduced that by the fact that we are both boys and we are both friends that we are boyfriends!” He has proud of that logic, it made infinite sense.

“A boyfriend is, uh, a romantic partner” Haruka explained.

Huh?

Why would it be called a friend if it meant lover? That made zero sense.

Tadaomi knew little to nothing about romance, he knew people got married, he knew love was a thing. That was as far as his understanding went. He would have to ask more questions. 

“So what’s the difference between a boyfriend and a friend who is a boy?”

Haruka sighed. “I don’t really know at this point but just know that we are friends.”

Tadaomi wished there was more explanation but he kept his mouth shut and decided to move on from the conversation. There were more important things to talk about. 

Tadaomi finally had a friend, he wanted to learn how to be the best one possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to update twice today so keep your eyes out for another chapter.
> 
> I'm sorry if Tadaomi's writing seems too infantile, I'm worried I made him too clueless but I still wanted to keep in character with his research of humans. 
> 
> Chapter title is referring to the legendary aplatonic genie meme it is my favourite fucking thing.
> 
> Anyways thank you for all the love so far! I didn't know what to expect from posting my fics so I'm glad people enjoy it!
> 
> Follow my twitter @pheogy for updates + more aaside stuff.


	3. This is why we can't have nice things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone wanna pay for Haruka's therapy? Kanata arc happens y'all

Haruka found things happening that he hadn’t considered before. He did not connect with people often, other people weren’t a concern of his. Besides Kanata constantly being at his neck, people didn’t really persist with being in his life. There were people at school who seemed interested in him, but only for what he could do. They wanted him for his guitar playing or his good grades or whatever reason that he hadn't paid attention to, but Tadaomi wanted to talk to him simply because he wanted to understand him.

He always insisted to himself that he didn’t need people, he didn’t need his brother or his band or anything. Tadaomi had compared it to the absence of symbiosis between different communities of animals. Haruka had decided to himself after Tadaomi had left one evening that this was still true. Truth be told, Haruka was deeply uncomfortable, he barely had ever answered people’s questions about his life, now he had a friend he felt some kind of responsibility to talk. Tadaomi had insisted that he didn’t need to answer all his questions but here he was and he did not understand it in the slightest. He knew Tadaomi did not understand half the things he told him, he knew that he was asking because he wanted to understand but when had he ever cared about why someone asked him something. 

____

Morning times in the share house were always a mess. No one wanted to interact with the others and they still held the unspoken rule of keeping interaction outside of practice to a minimum. Today was one of the rare days that Haruka had actually bothered to sit and eat before school though, against his better judgement. Kanata was poking him and talking about something that Haruka hadn’t bothered to pay attention to, his oatmeal had too much water in it and overall was a pitiful excuse for breakfast, the only noise was being made my Kanata as no one else was awake enough to tell him to stop. 

Haruka had been getting better at dealing with Kanata recently, maybe because he had gotten all his extra sibling gunk poked and prodded at by Tadaomi’s questions. Tadaomi did not seem to have too much interest in family, he called his parents once in a while as apparently he still felt some obligation to them. Haruka had given up on any respect he had for his parents a long time ago, it was clear they had no idea what they were doing, they certainly didn’t know how to deal with himself or Kanata.

Haruka used to understand Kanata better than any other person. when they were small children they refused to leave each other’s side. Haruka used to accept Kanata as a guaranteed companion for forever but as they got older, Kanata grew different. Kanata became sporadic, destructive, all other words for bat shit crazy and Haruka lost any previous understanding for his brother. Kanata had always been someone he sought to protect but as they grew apart, Kanata wasn’t someone he wanted to know anymore. He wished he wasn’t stuck with him until he died because at this point Kanata was like an ugly scab on him that he ever so wished to flick off. 

Recently though, he found he didn’t understand why. Well it was obvious sometimes, Kanata was annoying and destructive. He was not unlike a natural disaster that ruined everything that fell in his path, but he thought about him often now because Kanata could connect to people like he never could. Kanata would push and shove himself into anyone’s life he pleased, it was part of why Kanata was so annoying. His problem was that he wanted to understand how to do that.

_____

“How was school today?”

Tadaomi asked in his regular polite voice. Haruka had learned that when Tadaomi didn’t plan out his talking his voice fell quite flat. The polite voice, he had learned, was a carefully practiced facade. Tadaomi mimicked a lot of voice tones, it wasn’t hard to see, but Haruka liked the polite voice because it meant Tadaomi wanted to talk to him without feeling the need to mirror him.

He had been thinking too long and too much today though because it took him a solid 30 seconds to respond. He stumbled through a brief explanation of his day as he usually did. Tadaomi smiled softly. He made a comment about being tired and not wanting to talk, which usually made Tadaomi disappointed but part of the appeal of talking to him was that he did not try to pry anything from him.

Today Tadaomi decided he would talk anyways though, so he started to explain the wonders of slime mold. Haruka had never once considered slime mold an interesting thing. But here this boy was telling him about how the organism could solve mazes and they would communicate through the large membrane. Over periods of time slime molds have solved puzzles and some researchers even claim they have personality. Haruka didn’t understand where Tadaomi could have gotten this information but he wasn’t one to make things up. It soothed him though, something about the soft chattering of Tadaomi made the room peaceful.

But as he concluded Tadaomi added comments that broke the peace.

“I’ve been talking to Kanata about biology! He seems very interested, if you like slime molds maybe you should talk about them with him!”

These collections of statements layed down facts Haruka wasn’t ready for.

Tadaomi had talked to Kanata  
Kanata enjoyed things that Tadaomi did  
Tadaomi wanted him to talk to Kanata

All of these facts stung in different ways. Different arrays of emotions, thoughts, Haruka’s brain was reeling. His head spun and Tadaomi still was there, with his soft eyes and his soft smile. 

What did he expect? Did he think that good things could happen to him? Tadaomi had been too good to be true to him. All the things he thought he knew, how he thought Tadaomi cared about specifically him or how maybe he had something special. Had he assumed everything wrong? Did Tadaomi also sit in Kanata’s room asking him questions?

“Haruka did I say something wrong?” resounded in Haruka’s ears, as it broke through the slurry of thoughts spinning at some unprecedented velocity.  
Had he said something wrong?  
Tadaomi was good, he had listened to him, he had sat beside him when he needed it. Even if Tadaomi didn’t know how much he had affected his life, Tadaomi wasn’t here to be his friend, he was here to understand.

Haruka wasn’t stupid, he knew Tadaomi wasn’t stupid either. Tadaomi should know as well as Haruka that good things don’t happen to him.

No matter how much it terrified him, Haruka asked Tadaomi to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I god caught up in aaside hell. I've grown to understand both characters a lot better so I feel like this story doesn't stand up to everything I know about their characters now. 
> 
> Anyways, Haruka angst I'm sorry. There's a reason this is long, plot shit sad stuff happens. 
> 
> Also if you want to look into slime molds I highly recommend its very very interesting. I hold so many useless facts in my brain and I use them to write Tadaomi.
> 
> anyways shout out to aaside ebooks twitter, I live there a lot now I love everyone there  
> stan coach jezelf
> 
> Follow me on twitter I'm @pheogy


	4. I'm not gay, I'm Tadaomi :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay ass homo boy

Tadaomi by no means understood everything, in fact he did not understand many things. He did, though, know how to learn. He knew to test theories, to ask questions and to observe his surroundings. Tadaomi was surrounded by a constant stream of information, taking in things through senses heightened specifically to process things. He was aware of this, he did his best to be aware always. 

But as he left Haruka’s room, he felt displaced, scattered. He felt his feet on the hallway carpet, he felt the drafty gusts of air from the air conditioning but for the first time that Tadaomi was aware of, none of these things made sense. This was contradictory, Tadaomi consistently understood things when given answers. Had he been given an answer? 

Humans were confusing, this was something that Tadaomi knew and accepted. Confusion was one of the first emotions he had learned how to express, whether it be a person not knowing the answer to a question or not understanding a concept, it made sense. The lack of understanding was natural, predictable. This situation wasn’t predictable, Tadaomi was not expecting to leave early, was not expecting to feel confused. Things being unexpected often threw Tadaomi off track. So as he stood on the carpet, he was at a loss of what to do, his mind which usually whirred with facts or questions remained quiet. 

The quiet wasn’t pleasant, it made Tadaomi’s skin crawl. The cold, the quiet, was overwhelming. The easiest option would be to move, he felt no need to stay in this environment so he wandered off to any room that was not quiet or cold. After testing a few empty areas he settled, defeated, in his room because quiet and cold seemed to have spread everywhere. Maybe he was the one that was quiet and cold, perhaps he was ill.

He decided that he was mad, shouldn’t he be? He had been forced to leave his friend. He didn’t know how to be mad though, he knew that when people were mad they screamed and they made scrunched faces and they became violent. He did not want to scream or be violent though, he wanted to not be cold and quiet. He didn’t want to be something, he wasn’t sure what, at this point.

This was a problem that surely wouldn’t be solved immediately though so he moved to something different. That was logical after all, he didn’t need to be with Haruka, Haruka did not give him anything but information. A simple give and take.

The keyboard in his room had sticky keys that clacked when played too hastily. He usually found this interesting, he sometimes would inspect the keys. Each key was molded sloppily, the little overlapped bits of plastic would resist the spring loaded in the key and on most days Tadaomi found mild amusement from this. He did his best to focus on what he was actually playing today though. Keyboard practice everyday had always been a mandatory happening in his life for as long as he could remember and even now he found himself playing the classical pieces he knew so well. It was no longer a real piano but the flimsy keyboard in the barren room allowed him to take his mind off of things.

His mind still wandered though, his fingers pressed each key within muscle memory so his full attention wasn’t needed for his song to remain coherent but he found himself away from things.

Questions are natural. Tadaomi accepted this and welcomed it. The beauty of accepting questions and is asking questions about why he is asking questions. Questions were plentiful this evening though because even through his acts of distraction, he definitely had a lot of unpack. 

Why did Haruka want him to leave?

Why did he care that he left? He had nothing keeping him in Haruka’s room.

Why did he go to Haruka’s room in the first place?

The answer to the last one had been given to him. Haruka was his friend, friends talk to each other. But if Haruka didn’t want to talk to him, was he still his friend?

Did he want to talk to Haruka?

The answer he knew. The answer was yes. He wanted to talk to Haruka as much as possible. He wanted to be in Haruka’s warm room. He wanted to stay in Haruka’s bed talking to him not because it was a special bed but because it had Haruka in it. 

He had never once wanted much of anything. Perhaps to understand things but never to be around people. Especially around one person in specific. He liked people, they offered a lot of information but he never grew attached to things. 

Attachment was not something that happened with Tadaomi. Here he was though, he didn’t think about spending his entire life with any other person. He often pushed away these thoughts because many of his thoughts were meaningless, one off tests of trying to understand a situation. But these thoughts remained constant, insistent. He didn’t need things but he felt like he needed Haruka, Haruka was the way he would stop feeling quiet and cold.

Right now though he felt quiet and cold though, he could play any piano song, he could curl in any amount of blankets but it was apparent that he would continue to be quiet and cold unless he went back to Haruka. 

Haruka did not want to talk to him. That was easily inferred from the situation but what was stopping him? 

Why did Haruka not want to talk to him in the first place?

He clambered out of his room and down the sterile and white hallway. He always used to appreciate how blank it was but now it felt suffocating. The hallway made his mind stop when it desperately needed to keep going.

___

When he reached Haruka’s room he did not bother to knock as he was the only person who really entered Haruka’s room. He was not ready for the sight of Haruka upon opening that door. 

Tadaomi still did not understand crying, he didn’t cry but he learned that when he was alone Haruka cried quite often. Usually he would just leave him alone as the tears streamed down his face but Tadaomi decided he didn’t want to let him be alone. He knew this was called being selfish, maybe he was selfish of Haruka. He met Haruka’s eyes though, his chest started to hurt. Was he dying? Chest pain was never good medically. He froze.

Haruka leaned up and his sobs stifled temporarily. His eyes were wide and raw with something Tadaomi couldn’t put his finger on but it made something in his chest throb.

“Why are you here? I told you to leave.” Haruka mumbled. His voice had a bite in it that Tadaomi had never noticed before.

Tadaomi stared down at him, all he could do was scan over the sight of him. 

Finally he managed to get out.

“I needed you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am legally only allowed to write this in Calc and Physics  
> Any other time I cannot write it
> 
> Thank you so much for 100 hits! I never really expected people to actually read my stuff. 
> 
> Also Tadaomi is def playing fantasie impromptu because it's been my comfort song this week and my mother used to play it on our shitty keyboard and since its so fast the keys sounded awful since they clicked so much.
> 
> Tadaomi is my personal subject of all my emotional projection
> 
> anyways once again I'm @pheogy on twitter if you want more accurate updates, I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
> 
> Also shout out to epsi ebooks because they've helped me get so much better at writing epsi.


	5. Proximity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This shit gets soft

Haruka had never experienced anything like Tadaomi. He had never had someone to confide in without judgement, never had someone who he knew was genuinely interested in him. Kanata had always been there, he said he needed him, but Haruka didn’t want to be needed by Kanata. Kanata would always say things that seemed soft and innocent but there was always an edge to it that only Haruka seemed to notice. Kanata was like one of those fake sweeteners for coffee and no matter how sweet he seemed there was always a bitter note at the end. Tadaomi wasn’t like that though, as long as Haruka waited for him to become bitter, he stayed the same polite and curious boy he had always been. 

Tadaomi was the thing that Haruka didn’t know he had been missing in his life. Tadaomi took off a burden that he had been carrying for longer than he was willing to admit and he couldn’t help but wish to be around him more. Haruka was sure Tadaomi didn’t notice, no one really seemed to notice changes in his demeanor. Masking them was something Haruka prided himself in being skillful at. 

Haruka was good at hiding things. He knew how to make Kanata think he hated him, he knew how to brush off things that hurt him. And thus far he had known how to hide every aspect of the affection he had for Tadaomi from everyone. He didn’t want to acknowledge how obvious it was that he liked him but no one had mentioned to him. Tadaomi’s friendship with him was personal, something he wanted to keep just in their world. Tadaomi wasn’t one to hide things, though. Why should he? They were friends. Tadaomi always asked him what friends do.

Haruka wasn’t stupid, he knew this. Stupid people let others walk all over them, stupid people make the same mistakes over and over, stupid people pressed others. 

That wasn’t important right now, right now he was crumpled in his bed looking up at a Tadaomi he didn’t know existed. Tadaomi was logical, Tadaomi never bothered him when he didn’t want him to. He’d never seen an emotion like this behind those blue eyes -they had always been either placid and neutral or widened with interest- But now? Now he was looking into eyes warm but uncertain, filled with emotion. 

“Why are you staring at me?” Tadaomi’s voice broke the silence. 

Haruka quickly darted his eyes away. “I- I’m sorry -uh-” he stammered. 

The tense air around them made it difficult to get any full thought through. His head was empty, he felt himself reach out shakily but it didn’t register why he was doing it. His hand stopped when colliding with Tadaomi’s wrist. 

“What are you doing, Haruka?” Tadaomi commented but it didn’t register as anything with meaning. Haruka’s head was empty, the silence was eerie. 

His hand wrapped around Tadaomi’s hand, had this been any other situation Haruka would have promptly died, but in this thoughtless haze he guided Tadaomi’s wrist closer to him and Tadaomi followed. He sat on the edge of his bed, still looking at him with those uncertain eyes. 

And then the air cleared. Haruka was suddenly hyper aware of everything happening: every inch of wrinkled blanket in contact with his skin, the weight of the other boy on his mattress, and oh how wonderful Tadaomi’s hand felt in his. This! This was awkward and embarrassing and all of those other stupid feelings. He screamed at himself internally, the uncomfortable silence had been replaced with a slurry of “Oh my god Haruka what are you doing holding your friend’s hand stop that let go right now.” 

He didn’t move though, instead he looked at Tadaomi.

He was crying?

Tadaomi’s face held the same neutral expression it always did but his eyes were puffy with one single tear running down his cheek. It was almost uncanny, he seemed so unscathed but Tadaomi, his wonderful Tadaomi, was crying. 

“H-hey, are you ok?” He said shakily.

“Are you ok Haruka? Am I doing something wrong?” responded Tadaomi, even softer than his usual tone. 

“You’re crying, I thought you didn’t do that.”

“My eyes water when I have allergies so this must be that, I feel fine.” said a voice that sounded in no way fine. 

“I’m sorry Tadaomi, whatever I did I don’t want to hurt you. You’re my friend and I like you a lot.”   
He tried to be straightforward. He tried to sort all the thoughts running through his head about how he should not be doing this with his friend and that Tadaomi needed someone better than him. 

Tadaomi smiled at him in the same soft way he always did. Haruka suddenly felt very aware of his surroundings. What was he doing? This wasn’t like the other times he had been upset, he was simply trapped in the gaze of this boy that he cared deeply for. Would Tadaomi ever know the pain he had been through? Would he ever know how he cared for him? How would someone who didn’t understand others ever see him as anything other than someone to talk to?

“You are squeezing my hand” muttered a voice even softer than the soft Tadaomi he knew. 

Haruka moved to release his hand but instead of stopping their awkward interaction, Tadaomi grabbed his arm and buried his face in his shoulder. 

Time stopped then. They were no longer in Haruka’s room and Haruka no longer felt embarrassed. There was nothing else real anymore except Tadaomi there, leaning against his shoulder. 

Haruka wrapped his arms around the other boy, and somehow things managed to no longer be so worrisome. At that moment he understood one thing, that Tadaomi was in his arms and he wanted nothing more than to keep his arms around him. 

Tadaomi looked up at him. The same eyes that had caused him such anxiety just seconds ago made Haruka feel nothing but peace. Tadaomi climbed onto the bed with him, onto his lap. Part of him wanted to get flustered and to ask him what he was doing; but part of him knew. He knew that this was what he wanted to do, and he wanted nothing more than for Tadaomi to feel the same.

“Haruka?” Tadaomi said. His face was buried in Haruka’s chest and he felt nothing short of adoration for the boy curled up into him.

“I love you.” Responded Haruka.

The implications of what he had said did not reach him, he didn’t realize he said it until he heard it leave his mouth. Something in his subconscious had emerged after it had developed into more than an idea or a feeling but some prime realization that he adored Tadaomi more than he could possibly understand. 

Tadaomi remained unphased though. He pressed his face into the crook of Haruka’s, his breath so softly tickling the surface of Haruka’s skin. 

“How do you know?” Tadaomi asked, curious as usual. 

Haruka’s thoughts were catching up to him, this weird display of affection he was performing was beginning to register. Tadaomi’s question registered too, but he had to ponder it. He didn’t know he loved Tadaomi, he didn’t know what love was or how it worked. 

“Tadaomi will hate you, what you’re doing will ruin everything” Haruka’s thoughts stated. Haruka was preoccupied though, with a question that he hadn’t known he needed to answer. He layed silent with Tadaomi pressed close to him. 

Anything going on around them, the seconds that passed or the happenings of the share house no longer seemed to exist. Haruka peered into those grey-ish blue eyes for what felt like days, weeks even. Haruka considered himself an honest person, when something upset him he pointed it out, but being honest about how much he adored this boy in his arms was something he never had considered for him to do. That honesty was because he wanted to make sure everyone knew how miserable he was, but with Tadaomi he wasn’t miserable. With Tadaomi everything felt right, with Tadaomi he felt safe, cared for, he never wished to leave. 

Tadaomi’s face was blank, the same face he had grown to learn meant he wasn’t trying to put up a facade or to please him. The relaxed features of his face leaned away from his shoulder and soon they were facing towards each other, the two pairs of blue eyes meeting. 

Haruka had been close to Tadaomi before, Tadaomi in general was a touchy person. Until now he had assumed he liked it because he was touch-starved or because it meant they were close. This was different though and it answered questions Haruka had not known he had. 

Being touched -being needed- maybe it was ok if it was with Tadaomi. Maybe it was more than ok, maybe it was wonderful, maybe Haruka wanted to do this as much as possible. 

After an unknown amount of time Haruka finally answered Tadaomi’s question. 

“I liked you first because you cared, but I knew I loved you because not only did you care but you were Tadaomi.”

_____

The next morning was a Saturday. This meant they had practice at 2 PM but, otherwise, they were free to do what they wished. Light filtered through Haruka’s curtains as a reminder of the world outside of his messy room. 

He was unsure of how long he and Tadaomi had been laying there but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Tadaomi’s face was pressed into the crook of his neck, their two bodies tangled together. 

Haruka had always had ideas of what love should be like. He never fixated on it much but he would be lying if he said he didn’t ponder the idea of someone by his side. Love was supposed to be certain things. Haruka never believed much in the ideas that he had been taught since he was a child. Seeing different girls fawn over him through the years made him grow cynical to any idea that he would meet someone that would make him truly understand love. 

Tadaomi was different though. He had told him that he loved him hadn’t he? He had described to Tadaomi vividly how intensely he wished to show his love to him, and he hadn’t been lying the evening prior. 

Tadaomi curled into him, lanky limbs pressed against his own. Haruka felt familiar affection swell in his chest, smiling softly at the boy pressed against his side. Haruka felt almost giddy, he hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. With Tadaomi next to him he found it difficult to not bury his face in Tadaomi’s soft locks and giggle. He felt his lips curl up in a way they hadn’t in a long time. The muscles in his face strained as they had grown accustomed to Haruka’s signature scowl. Haruka smiled, and as he smiled his heart soared. 

Haruka’s thoughts were interrupted by a pair of pale arms wrapped around his waist. His mind halted, the ever persistent negativity in his head reminding him that Tadaomi probably hated him now and he wasn’t supposed to feel the things he felt. 

Before they could fester into something worse,Tadaomi nuzzled into his neck and then pulled his face away. He leaned up from their current position, tilting his head so that he could peer down on Haruka’s sunlit face. His eyes were empty, if Haruka didn’t know better he would think that Tadaomi was angry or upset. Those empty eyes he had grown to know though, those eyes belonged to a Tadaomi that felt comfortable enough to not feign emotion. 

When love was described to Haruka when he was younger, no one ever told him how a boy would stare at him blankly in a way that meant everything. Wrapping his arms around the boy who was now somewhat on top of him, he vowed to smile enough for the two of them. 

Tadaomi finally broke the silence after what had felt like hours. “I dreamt about you.”

“What was the dream like?” Haruka said. Part of him was elated that Tadaomi thought about him.

“It was very strange. We were older, Epsilon phi wasn’t a thing anymore but we were together. We went grocery shopping and then we cooked dinner together. You burnt the food and in the end we sat on the floor and ate ice cream for dinner. And then you kissed me, it seemed like we had done it many times before. I think I liked it a lot.”

The dream was so ordinary, so domestic. Haruka would never have expected something to mundane to spawn from Tadaomi’s vivid mind. He played the explanation he had just heard over in his brain, Tadaomi’s placid voice resonating through his psyche. And then it hit him that Tadaomi had just told him that he liked kissing him in his dream. He felt the heat rise in his face, he was sure he was blushing. 

Tadaomi unhooked one of his arms from around his waist and placed it on his cheek. For someone who didn’t understand much of human interaction he somehow knew just the right ways to make Haruka feel things. 

“Your face is red, Haruka. Are you alright?” 

Tadaomi’s voice was cool, somehow unphased by the situation they were in.

“Could you do something for me, Tadaomi?” Haruka inquired.

“What is it?”

Haruka felt himself blush harder than he already had. 

“Could you.. Kiss me like in the dream?” Haruka struggled to not want to curl away and hide his face in embarrassment.

“Yes, I could.”

For a while he just sat there in front of him, his face in a familiar calculating expression. Soon though, Tadaomi leaned in, lips pressing against Haruka’s.

Tadaomi knew now that he definitely liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo holy fuck it’s been ages since I’ve updated this but I hope I can redeem myself with an extra long chapter and some good fluffy content? This took me ages to write but oh man I care them
> 
> Shout out to Steady for being my writing buddy for a solid 1500 words of this chapter and to Laur for making sure I used commas right!
> 
> Hopefully this will update more often, I needed the 2 month break but I’m back and kicking! We’ve gotten a looot more information of tadaharu as characters since I originally outlined this and I barely knew Tadaharus dynamic when I started writing it so I’m going to do some more revision here and there to help it fit with canon. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading!! Over 200 people have read my silly little gay words now and idk why they did that really lol.
> 
> Best of wishes!!  
> If you want to see more updates and see me scream about tadaharu, as usual I’m on Twitter as @pheogy!!

**Author's Note:**

> Haruka totally listens to some bullshit like radiohead when he listens to music btw
> 
> Yo uh! I don't usually post the stuff I write so I hope this is ok?? I'm not the best. I outlined this whole story in my awful physics class and I figured I should actually do something with it. Anyways they're soft I love them.
> 
> I'm @pheogy on twitter if you want to drop a follow or smth


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